You must fight everyday. Because life is not easy, and ego is not easy either. Today I rest a little from the "fight" and I did not woke up at 4am for all beings. Ok, to be honest at the moment I try to keep the same discipline I did some month ago in my 4 sessions practices a day, and to delete laziness from my life by waking up at 4am. Anyway these hours in the early morning are the best for meditation, and some times for other practices I like to meditate very late on the evening, because I feel it better than in the morning, but it depends of the practices and yourself.
You are here to help all beings, or at last help yourself. It is very hard, but I have been very fortunate to meet a teacher from Diamond Way last week end for a lecture, and he just told me that I have to force myself to wake up. So then we have to fight, and we have to force ourselves to do things, because if we do not force ourselves to practice, to meditate, to study, to put in action the teaching of the Buddha, who will do it? I mean, nobody will give you the courage, nobody will make you happy, and nobody will take you off the suffering you feel. You do it yourself. And you know, I am this kind of person who is always depressed. I am like that because I am too nice with me, as sometimes I've been too nice with others. But to be nice does not help. We have to be strong with other, for them, and strong with ourselves. This does not mean we have to be angry or moody, but just to realize that we have the power to do everything by ourselves. And if we are lucky enough to have a guru or a root Lama, then we have to put ourselves in his/her hands, because it is the best influence we can have.
The first day I saw my lama, I felt, in all my being that he was my root lama. I felt it so deeply that it was more strong than this feeling you have when you fall in love at first sight. It's deeper because it's not something worldly. It's not attachment; it's just the most important connection you can have in your life. That's why I need to be strong, because I have this chance to have my lama, I have entire confidence in him and even if sometimes I don't understand his actions, I know it's for good.
But I understood something these weeks. if you do not care, if you do nothing, nobody will help you. Sometimes we are so bad that we fall and we pray, we ask help. But Buddhas does not take you out of your sadness. Buddha gave a medicine and you choose to take it or not. I understood that I have to stop waiting for somebody else to help me, and if I want to go forward and deeper in the practice and meditation, I have to do it myself. You have to do it yourself. You have to say "I really want to find enlightenment for all beings". Nobody is here to give it to you, Lama is just here to guide you, to give you his teaching, you have to be a lion, and you have to fight your ego until you realize it does not exist. You have to understand that to receive, you have to give first. Give yourself, all material things are useless to offer, you are the most precious. Offer you effort in practice, offer your time to people, and offer your love, your friendship, your courage. But do not hope to receive, let things coming to you, because if you hope, this is your ego.
Just give, be courageous, be strong and be kind with yourself, but not fool.
It's been a long time I've not wrote on this blog, in fact I even deleted all my previous posts. There are some days you wake up and you understand that you really need to change some things about yourself. Yesterday, grace to my lama, I just understood the wall in the one I was going to crush if I continued in the same direction that the one I took. And the beautiful story I was telling to myself, like a fairytale you know. Yesterday, I woke up, and you know what I found? I am a monster.
Come on, I'm not saying with big teeth and long nails, but it's not far from this! In Buddhism, the "goal" is to understand the nature of our mind. Understand that everything does not exist by itself, and that "me" or what we call "ego" does not exist either. But you know, most of time, in fact all the time, we believe in this strong idea of "I" and "you" and that's why we suffer. In my case, I had extremely difficult things happening in my couple these weeks. That's not mean there is no other people suffering more than me, but anyway this situation tortured me, every second. But I will not talk too much of my love life here.
I said yesterday that suffering in itself is a good thing, because even if we are down, depressed or we do stupid things by jealousy or anger, suffering is here to teach us if we have the courage to see ourselves how we are at these moments. As it's not bad to believe in an ego because by this way we can understand that it does not exist really and that it's just a story we make. It's like mathematics; you need to calculate before to have the result. Today, I woke up a 4 am to do my Buddhist practices, at last. This is something I did some month ago everyday, and for all beings. It's like one moment the motivation is pure, but when the suffering comes, the ego comes as well. My mind is like a mountain, as my life, there are always ups and downs. And I am very good to go down, under the ground where nothing that me can pick me up. I can say maybe it's because my mom was alcoholic in my young and teenage hood and that I followed her moods, as my studies did. This is very stupid because now I have no diplomas and my mind is a mountain.
Happily, Dharma helps with this. Buddha teaches about the karma, I understood I had a strong Karma with my mom, and maybe I've make her suffer in past life, and then I've been suffering in this life. I forgave her, and I love her. But I think the most stupid thing to do is, we know the teachings of the Buddha, we tested it, recognized it as logical and true, and then, what do we do? Continue to act stupid and wrong. This is exactly what I've done. I've been working on my anger for months, years, meditating and practicing, understanding it as energy more than "feeling", observing it when it's comes in my mind and to be able to choose to let it go. understand that I was the only creator of my anger, that nobody "made" me angry, I just choose to let me destroy everything and burning all good, for selfish purpose. But then, suffering arrives in my couple, the most precious thing I have in my live after my Lama (because he is the most important hehe) and then I let my fucking big ego with all my anger coming back. That's mean that we can not say we've cleared a problem until we understood our true nature, which I did not yet! I forgot my motivation, I forgot the real reason for what I'm here in this life and in this country and I started to see just, I say just, my suffering and only it. I saw my life like so unfair (and then I say I believe in karma... haha) and I did not understand what happened. In fact I know what happened, what's happened is the only thing we've been waiting for, the thing I know is good, but as I suffer with it, I see it as bad. Suffering is part of compassion. Suffering is part of the Way, but it is part only if we decide to see it as suffering. Only if we focus on our ego and our suffering instead of seeing the situation more deeply, what will bring the situation that we're struggling with. So today is the last day of my life I forget others, the last time I do not wake up at 4 am, and the last time I forget my mission here. I want to liberate all beings, I want to come back here by my own will and help all of the ones who are in the darkness as I am now. I want to become like my beloved Lama, who is so courageous, so compassionate and so selfless that he inspires me, everyday... even if sometime ego get's over. I am very fortunate, I have to remember, but know that sometimes things seems very bad and they are good, it's just we do not see it. And sometime as well, your Lama act strangely, and maybe it takes time to understand, but it's always for a good thing. Friends, keep courage on the Way and never forget compassion and love for all beings.